100% of What We Say Under Our Breath is 50% of the Reason Why Parents See the Principal

The cheery boy entered the room at 6:47 in a hurry to play his new Spiderman game on the iPod. In so much of a hurry, he forgot one important thing.

Me: It’s too early. You’re naked.

Boy: I want to play Spiderman!

Me: Put some pants on.

Boy: Why do I need pants to play?

Me: I have no good answer, but it’s a rule.

The boy ignores me and my wife goes to the bathroom to begin a new day full of hope and promise.

Boy: I want the Avengers game!

Me: Pants… Even Hulk wears pants.

Boy: Not in the morning, only when he’s fighting.

Me: Pants protect you. Underwear is the last line of defense.

Boy: Protect from what?

Me: From anything, especially from (in a voice so small only a sonar readied bat or my wife could pick up) … shatting all over my bed.

Boy: What does shatting mean?

Me: Dear! Please hurry up in the bathroom! I’m going to be late!

Boy: What does it mean? Is he an enemy of the Hulk?

Me: He’s everyone’s enemy.

Julia, my older ray of sunshine, pops her head in the room.

Julia: Shat is the past tense of shit. But we don’t say that word. And pants can’t protect you from it. I’m naked too!

Boy: (grinning) Did you shat Dad? It smells.

Me: Get dressed. Time for breakfast.

Boy: Do I have to wear pants?

Me: Yes. We don’t shat where we eat.

The kids dress and my wife leads “the excited to go to school and learn” group downstairs for breakfast.

Wife: Did Julia show you her vocabulary work? She got a perfect score!

Me: That’s terrific! I’m very proud of you! (Hug Julia) And if the principal calls to set up a parent meeting to congratulate her or commend her for expanding Andrew’s words, you deserve all the credit dear. I gotta go.