The cheery boy entered the room at 6:47 in a hurry to play his new Spiderman game on the iPod. In so much of a hurry, he forgot one important thing.
Me: It’s too early. You’re naked.
Boy: I want to play Spiderman!
Me: Put some pants on.
Boy: Why do I need pants to play?
Me: I have no good answer, but it’s a rule.
The boy ignores me and my wife goes to the bathroom to begin a new day full of hope and promise.
Boy: I want the Avengers game!
Me: Pants… Even Hulk wears pants.
Boy: Not in the morning, only when he’s fighting.
Me: Pants protect you. Underwear is the last line of defense.
Boy: Protect from what?
Me: From anything, especially from (in a voice so small only a sonar readied bat or my wife could pick up) … shatting all over my bed.
Boy: What does shatting mean?
Me: Dear! Please hurry up in the bathroom! I’m going to be late!
Boy: What does it mean? Is he an enemy of the Hulk?
Me: He’s everyone’s enemy.
Julia, my older ray of sunshine, pops her head in the room.
Julia: Shat is the past tense of shit. But we don’t say that word. And pants can’t protect you from it. I’m naked too!
Boy: (grinning) Did you shat Dad? It smells.
Me: Get dressed. Time for breakfast.
Boy: Do I have to wear pants?
Me: Yes. We don’t shat where we eat.
The kids dress and my wife leads “the excited to go to school and learn” group downstairs for breakfast.
Wife: Did Julia show you her vocabulary work? She got a perfect score!
Me: That’s terrific! I’m very proud of you! (Hug Julia) And if the principal calls to set up a parent meeting to congratulate her or commend her for expanding Andrew’s words, you deserve all the credit dear. I gotta go.